So this is a post I have wondered if I should even put out there, but I’ve decided I’m going to because I want this blog to be a place where I can be honest and vulnerable. I have had this post drafted for a couple of months and have been to scared to push publish. But here goes…
My parents are going through a divorce. It will be final next week if not sooner.
There I said it. I still can’t really believe it. I’m 36 years old and I shouldn’t have to be saying that.
My family up until a couple of years ago, did everything we did to “show” that we were the perfect family. No matter what might be wrong at home, we still needed to put on a front and be the “perfect Christian” family. A couple of years ago, some things happened in our family (I’m not going to say anything about it, because it’s not my story to tell) that while they were hard, some good things came from it and I thought it had sort of brought our family together a little more. I guess I was wrong.
My sister and I were taught divorce was wrong. And in looking back, we were sort of shown to “look down” on those that had been divorced. Well, news flash…no one is immune to the possibility of divorce. I used to think it was so neat that my parents and Robert’s parents were still married, because I feel that is rare these days to have people that come from non-split homes. Well…that’s not the case anymore.
It hurts. It has opened up old wounds for me that I didn’t realize I had. I randomly start crying for no reason. My family is all messed up. There are hurt feelings all around. There is confusion. There is heartache. There is bitterness. It stinks. It’s hard to think that last year might have been the last year for us to all have celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas together with the four of us. Now I’m sure we will be celebrating birthdays and other special events together in the future, but it won’t be the same. It might be awkward, it will be weird, it’s going to be hard.
There has been a lot of feelings these past eight months. Lots of confusion…lots of pain…lots of guilt. I had already been thinking about going to a counselor before this happened, but I definitely have started going since all of this has happened and it has helped so much in seeing that I’m not responsible for my parents and their happiness. I can (and have) set up boundaries and not feel guilt over that. Not only have we tackled this divorce situation, there are things from the past that have come up that I guess I had pushed deep down. It’s been hard, but good.
We still have a long way to go in learning how to navigate this “new normal” in our family. It’s going to be hard, but knowing that God is in control and He has better plans for us is the thing I have to keep telling myself.
Anyways…I hope you guys don’t mind me opening up and sharing about this. I have a feeling I will be sharing more about this situation and my feelings in the future because this blog and counseling are quickly becoming helpful outlets in where I feel safe that I can process things out loud.
Until next time…keep it simple.